Reflections on Foster Care

With my oldest son’s birthday recently, and oldest daughter’s just a few days later, I tried to organise a time we could all get together to celebrate and share a cake. With three grown up children all leading busy social lives it wasn’t that easy, but we settled on Sunday brunch, giving everyone the opportunity to spend the afternoon as they pleased.

Portia wanted to make her famous all-time favourite gooey chocolate cake, but I suggested she bake a cinnamon tea cake instead, more suitable to finish off a morning meal. She’s really becoming great at this cake-baking! The rest was easy - hubby cooked sausages, bacon, onions and mushrooms on the barbecue, whilst I did grilled tomatoes and poached eggs in the kitchen, and grabbed an apprentice to make lots of toast. While all that was under way we ate warm ham and cheese croissants with orange juice for an appetiser. Breakfast was enjoyed by all, and there was plenty of time afterwards to just hang out together.

When we manage to have all the kids (and partners) together for a meal like this, it really reminds me how great it is being a mum to kids of all ages. Sometimes I get pretty bogged down in Portia’s and Seth’s needs and issues and the constancy of caring for a baby, so it’s a nice change to have all the big kids around the kitchen table, chatting about their jobs and studies, homes, pets, hobbies and holidays, comparing movies and books, and catching up on family gossip. I look at these adult children of ours and see how happy they are in their lives, how close they are to each other, how much we all enjoy each other’s company, and I feel amazingly fortunate.

I recall that is why I started fostering in the first place, sixteen years ago - to share my family’s good fortune.

My older kids have taken on different roles with the young foster kids who have been in our family. Portia and Seth are lucky to have three older siblings (and now their partners too) as mentors and positive role models. I watch now as the two of them come and go, not prepared to sit all morning chatting like the adults of the family, but pausing on their way through the kitchen to tell a big brother or sister the latest news of school or basketball, scrapes or friendships. Little Angel crawls about at everyone’s feet, but every few moments someone picks him up for a bit of a play, or to share a tidbit with him. Seth grabs him to chuck him in the air and makes him chortle gleefully.

I’ve been a mum now for twenty-seven years and fostering for more than half that time. There are no happier times for me than having all the family around. I am a lucky woman.

Portia was suspended from school for the day.

Not a “stay at home” suspension, but a “stay in the office and work alone” suspension. As the teacher explained to me on the phone, even though her behaviour was not acceptable and had to be followed up with consequences, her intentions had been honourable.

“So why did you punch that boy?” I asked her later that evening when we were discussing the issue. Well, apparently that boy had been teasing one of her friends all day, and Portia had warned him that if he continued, she’d punch him. He did, so she did! This daughter of mine has principles.

We had the usual discussion (all parents of impulsive kids know the one I mean) reiterating the “violence solves nothing” and “how do we resolve conflict in our family?” but Portia showed no noticeable remorse. “Like, he wasn’t even hurt”, she said.

At thirteen Portia weighs in under 40 kgs and isn’t quite 150 cms tall, and I’m not sure she’d know how to throw a punch so she’s probably right. I think she felt like a champion of the underdog and an in-school detention was well worth the glory.

The image left in my mind after our discussion - of Portia all fired up with flashing eyes and gritted teeth, aiming a punch at the side of this kid’s head - left me a little dismayed but all things considered I’m not sure I should be too worried.

In over eight years of schooling, Portia has never been suspended before. I must say, in all their school years, none of my three older children were either, but then life was pretty secure and easy for them. Portia, on the other hand had a rocky start to life.

She spent the first twelve months of babyhood with her intellectually disabled birth mum who dressed her baby girl in pretty pink dresses, kept her clean, warm and safe by leaving her in her cot all day, but had no idea of the essential interactions between mother and baby to create a warm and secure attachment.

When Portia came into our care a few days after her first birthday she was a placid, quiet little baby who would just sit on the floor in a pile of toys never saying boo, or lay quietly in her cot, not bothering to sit up till someone lifted her out.

The next two years were unpredictable and disruptive for Portia. She was in and out of care for many months as her birth mum was given numerous opportunities to learn to look after her baby. Portia went to and fro between her mum’s home and ours, never seeming to care who she was with or who was taking her.

She appeared to have no attachment to her own mum, and little chance to attach to me as she was tossed back and forth in the attempt to give her birth mum every chance at reunification. Access was four times a week when she was actually living with us. Other times she spent the week with her mum, but in childcare every week day and weekends in our home.

Her birth mum was invited to spend the days at the childcare centre, learning how to interact with Portia, but usually just visited for an hour or so, sitting on a chair to watch her little girl play. She loved her daughter dearly but seemed incapable of effective parenting.

It didn’t stop the courts trying, however.

The two of them also had a number of stays in assorted family units in an attempt to teach mum to parent. We always stayed available for Portia to come back to us - she’d had a number of respite or emergency placements in her first year of life. We wanted her to have as much stability as was possible, even with all the to-ing and fro-ing. At age two and a half, one final gigantic effort was made. Despite mine and the foster agency’s protests, Portia left our home for three months to live in a family unit where it was hoped her mum could finally learn to parent her adequately enough to have her back home.

It didn’t work. At the end of three months Portia returned to our home, and never left again ( although it was almost another three years before guardianship was bestowed on us). She returned to us angry, defiant, insecure, frustrated and with the ability to throw our family into chaos.

She screamed at the big kids, got into their stuff and lost or broke things, interfered with their games and annoyed their friends. Her frequent meltdowns spoiled family outings and made her older siblings cringe with embarrassment. She tyrannised one year old Seth, pushing and hitting him when she thought they were alone, then patting him in a sisterly fashion when I arrived, explaining sympathetically how he’d fallen over (eventually he learnt to talk and put an end to that clever little act).

Despite all this, when the time came to call a family meeting to discuss the possibility of four year old Portia remaining permanently with us, it was unanimously agreed that, even though she was a little demon, her place was in our home and in our family. Even eleven year old Emily, who seemed to be the one who was most intolerant of Portia’s antics, didn’t hesitate to answer “Of course we should” when we asked the question.

The following years were never easy. Building up an attachment with this prickly child was an all consuming effort. It didn’t come naturally, and we sought professional help on a few occasions in an effort to ease the burden just a little.

At one stage she was diagnosed with ODD and attachment difficulties, and then a little later with ADHD and possible Tourette’s. We educated ourselves, managed behaviours as they arose, advocated for her at school, tried to think of creative ways to discipline her: to stop her stealing money, to stop her lying, to stop her provoking her little brother, to get her to do her homework. We encouraged her sports, her music, her friendships; gave her opportunities to feel good about herself. Sometimes we despaired, we often felt weary… but we always felt joy in her amazing energy and enthusiasm for everything she did.

After years of liaising with the schools on how to manage Portia’s behaviour (appropriate consequences and achievable reward systems usually worked) and receiving numerous phone calls that often began “We had a bit of trouble with Portia today….” I was actually a little surprised to get that call from school this week. It has been many months since we’ve had any complaints and what I’ve been hearing from the teachers has been really positive. In fact I’ve really been pleased with Portia’s progress over the past six months, even during the long summer holidays. After years of struggle and occasional despair, I feel as if maybe we’ve reached still waters and I’m enjoying the present calm.

Portia’s suspension has come and gone. She told me she actually enjoyed the day, and got up to date with her homework and started on her science project. So many kids I know are continually suspended from school (mostly kids like mine who were or still are in foster care).

Should I be worried that this might just be the first of many for Portia as she enters stormy adolescence? I don’t feel anxious. In fact, if anything, it’s made me reflect on the great improvements we’ve seen this past year that friends and family have commented on too.

Portia seems more thoughtful and considered in her actions, less impulsive than she used to be, and more appropriate too. She’s more helpful and reliable and even a bit more organised (she’ll always have a messy room, I guess) and occasionally I feel like we’re having a real conversation - that she’s not just talking over the top of me.

And what’s nice is that she’s recognising these changes in herself, and appears to enjoy the calmer, more mature girl that she’s becoming. Of course she’s still the active, sporty, tomboyish kid she’s always been, still refusing to wear a dress (even to her sister’s engagement party), always sticking her nose in everyone else’s business, and always knows best (she is a teenager after all) but who of us is perfect?

If she just keeps her fists to herself, I reckon I’d be pretty happy.

I looked after a friend’s foster baby over the weekend.

Liam is around four months old and quite a calm, responsive baby. He fed well every three hours, and slept ten hours at night. Between times he was happy to be held or to play on the floor or in his reclining chair with toys hanging about him.

So that was fine, but juggling his quite simple needs with those of Angel, now almost ten months old, was quite difficult. Sometimes I had to leave one discontent whilst tending to the other and that doesn’t fit my philosophy of baby rearing.

Luckily, being the weekend, at least one other person was around at all times, either hubby or one of the kids. I was constantly calling upon someone to hold/ play with /soothe a baby, whilst I bathed/ fed/ dressed/ changed the other.

For some blissful moments they were both awake and happy giving me time to sit on the floor and just play with them - one on each side of me so Angel wouldn’t sit on or grab the face of his smaller friend.

They didn’t share any daytime naps, but at least they both went to bed around eight and I had a few quiet hours with the rest of the family before Angel woke. He’s not a great sleeper and a runny nose and persistent cough is waking him even more at the moment ( while Liam managed his ten hour stretch!).

Although little Liam was quite delightful all weekend, it was a relief when his foster mum picked him up around six. The rest of us headed out to tea at my son Ben’s place (luckily, as I’m not sure I’d have found time to cook) where I relaxed with just one baby to watch, feed, change and settle.

Only two other times in my fostering career have I had two babies at once. In the first case they were eleven month old twins, a two week emergency placement. They were relatively easy. Being older babies, and maybe accustomed to waiting for each other, they were happy to play and interact with each other during the feeding and dressing times and would snuggle up against me, one each side, to take a bottle.

On the other hand an overlap of placements a few years ago gave me a two month old, an eight month old and a toddler - and none of them sleeping well at night. I constantly felt one of those babies was missing out, and never felt the contentment I experience when parenting just one baby.

It’s experiences like this that prevent me ever accepting two babies at the one time on a long term basis, but others do.

With a scarcity of available carers desperate workers will often ring an experienced foster mum and ask her to take a second baby. It may initially be short term, but we all know how that pans out. I don’t doubt these babies are adequately cared for. A foster mum will put home and family on hold to make sure she meets the needs of the littlest ones she’s caring for, but to whose detriment?

We need to remember that all babies coming into care have suffered trauma. Maybe from a drug or alcohol effected pregnancy, possibly neglect within the birth family, even physical abuse. If nothing else the child has suffered trauma by being removed from a parent.

So when these babies come into care they need more holding, more soothing, more immediate attention to their needs than a secure, untraumatised baby. Placing two or more babies together makes this difficult for a carer to achieve. But where else do these babies go?

More available carers would certainly help. I know in Victoria, the state in which I live, foster carer numbers are gradually decreasing. On one particular day in 2006 there were 985 carers actively providing placements for 1,5o9 children, and it’s estimated a further 900 new carers are required to allow for good matching of new children coming into care.

Our own agency is struggling at present when a new placement comes in as there are so many factors involved in making a good match. They would like to have a number of families to choose from suited to the age, gender, length of placement and behaviours of the child; not just relying on “who has a spare bed?”

I am involved with a state wide initiative that is looking at the equally important issues of recruiting and retaining foster carers. One of the conclusions I’ve drawn from my involvement is that lots of little projects are as effective as one big one, and easier for agencies to implement.

Ideas like:

• Billboards in strategic places;
• Regular media coverage to promote foster care as a worthwhile occupation;
• Personal talks by carers to take the information to work places, clubs, schools, churches;
• websites that make it easy for possible recruits to get all the information they need, quickly;
• Targeting specific groups like particular cultures or the Gay community.

A guest speaker from a marketing organisation being employed to help us promote foster care, stated that only around 6% of the population are ever likely to consider fostering. Somehow we need a profile of that small group so we can specifically target each and every one, and not waste time and energy on the other uninterested 94%.

Maybe more research into why people foster, and why they continue when others drop out, will assist us. Apparently that is what this organisation intends to do, so I’ll be interested in the results.

In the meantime, we also have to retain the carers we have for more than the average two to five years. I personally think that the new models of foster care that I’ve seen introduced recently will help. They are giving carers what we’ve asked for:

• Partnership in a professional team caring for the child.
• Being acknowledged and respected for our role in the child’s life.
• Involvement in case management, including decision making when possible.
• Good communication between all parties.
• Reasonable reimbursements.

I think if you add peer support to this list, plus agency support and legal assistance when a family has an allegation made against them, then you’re a fair way towards ensuring that you don’t lose any committed carers for avoidable reasons.

Personally, I began fostering sixteen years ago when my youngest child started school, with the intention of giving it a go whilst my own children were still young and I was a mum at home. If I’m busy parenting three, I thought, why not four or five?

I figured once they were older and more independent I would be ready to move on too, maybe to further study or working. Well, they grew up but I didn’t move on. I think fostering has become my calling.

Seth and Portia still need very active parenting and I’m in the enviable position of being able to stay at home, so fitting an extra young child or two into our family is quite manageable - and so very rewarding. Despite all the everyday annoyances and frustrations and the tedious chores that go with being at home, I love the actual time spent interacting and caring for the kids, and I just know there is nothing more worthwhile that I would want to be doing.

While I’m in such a positive mood I think I’d better go recruit those 900 odd extra carers we need so I’m never asked to take two babies at a time!

Seven year old Jaimee spent the weekend with us, as she does each month. I first met this little girl when she was an active and demanding toddler having occasional foster care with a friend of mine. When, due to personal circumstances, Jaimee required full-time care, my friend offered to provide that even though she already had a pretty full house. She had developed a supportive relationship with Jaimee’s single mum and really wanted to help this little family stay together.

Unfortunately, Jaimee’s aggressive behaviour caused great difficulties with the placement, especially as there was a younger child in the family who was constantly being bullied by this tiny, angry two year old. A decision was made to move her but, as so often happens, a suitable family in the area wasn’t readily available. Our family happened to be between placements - we had only taken babies in the previous few years. This seemed to suit the new dynamics of our family as Portia and Seth settled into being in their ‘forever’ family. As they were now aged nine and seven, I thought a nearly three year old could suit us. But I was wrong.

Over the next six months our family lived with almost constant chaos. Little Jaimee had significant emotional problems. Her rigidity and defiance, her frequent melt downs with shrill screaming , hitting and kicking meant she was constantly the centre of my attention and energy. Portia responded to the situation by regressing to her own “toddler” behaviour, and little Seth, who needed his environment to be calm and predictable, responded with tears and anger at all these people disturbing his peace. The six weeks of the summer school holidays were particularly difficult to manage, despite seeing some progress in Jaimee’s behaviour, as I tried to parent her with strategies gleaned from my training in therapeutic foster care. Our worker, although very supportive, agreed with our family that it might be better that three year old Jaimee be placed with a new family. In time (we didn’t hurry the process) a new but keen foster family with no other children at home accepted little Jaimee, and four years later she is doing really well in her long-term foster home.

We felt quite guilty at having to disrupt a placement, as foster carers often do. However, seeing Jaimee gradually adjust to her new home and build up an attachment with her new Mum eased my conscious somewhat. The relief felt by all the family when Jaimee left and the work I could put in with Portia and Seth to “mend the bridges” reinforced the rightness of disrupting this placement. But I felt an ongoing commitment to little Jaimee, and we have continued to have her back with us for regular respite (even though we don’t usually do respite foster care).

The advantages are felt by everyone. This little girl has a second family with whom she feels comfortable. A weekend is manageable. With a lot of hard work, and knowing we only have to sustain our efforts for 48 hours, the family stays relatively calm. This has become significantly easier as Jaimee has responded to a stable long term family and supportive therapeutic care from a number of professionals (she was put into an intense fostering program a few years ago) and her behaviours have become so much easier to manage. We have gained a lot of satisfaction from seeing this little girl grow and settle, and from being important in her life. We provide a stimulating family environment with slightly older and younger children to interact with, contrasting to her own home, where she is the only child. I am proud of Portia and Seth who, despite sometimes groaning when I announce it is our turn to have Jaimee, go out of their way to play with her and accommodate her in their busy weekends. And I know Jaimee’s foster parents appreciate the time they have ‘child-free’ knowing their little girl is happy and secure in one of her other families (my friend who first had Jaimee in her care, also offers regular respite). In fact, I would go so far as to state that regular respite is essential for the continuing success of Jaimee’s long term placement.

Most importantly, for Jaimee, it means that the three separate placements in foster care that she has had are still all connected, as with an extended family. Her life story book has no photos of strangers, of placements forgotten. Even if she doesn’t really remember living in our home for that six months during which she turned three , she feels like she does, because the photos of that time are filled with familiar people, pets and places - all of whom she still sees regularly. If for no other reason we will continue to have Jaimee for regular respite, so she retains that sense of continuity, and so that as she grows to adulthood, she still has someone of whom she can ask “… what was I like when I was just two years old?” and we will happily tell her.

My husband introduced me to blogs quite a few months ago. My first reaction was “I don’t have time to read about other people’s lives…I’m too busy and immersed in my own!” But I couldn’t help myself, and once I’d found a few foster carer’s blogs, especially those whose children’s special needs matched so well with my own kid’s, I was hooked. So, I became a lurker…. reading archives, choosing who to subscribe to, chasing links across the web, formulating comments in my head but never actually submitting them. But it’s time. I am no longer satisfied being the wallflower - I want to join in. Maybe I can share with you the Australian perspective on fostering and its related issues.

My family has been fostering sixteen years. Around fifty children have been part of our family for varying lengths of time, mostly babies to preschoolers. Two have permanently joined our family. “Portia” is now thirteen and came into our care at twelve months. She was nearly six when we got the Permanent Care order which gave us guardianship. In Australia we don’t have the system whereby the legal termination of parent’s rights leaves the child available for adoption, so a P.C order is the next best thing, in the state of Victoria, anyway. “Seth”, now eleven, joined our family at six weeks, and his Permanent Care order went through when he was three. As we already had three biological children, we’ve been a pretty busy household ever since, especially as we usually have one or two foster children in our care as well . Our current little angel is nine months old, and has been with us six months - he doesn’t look like going home any time soon.

Our oldest two children have moved out of home with their partners, so we just have one adult child still living at home. Luckily the others both live just a twenty minute drive away, so we see them fairly often. Our oldest son Ben also works in the family business with his Dad, so they get to ‘hang out’ every day - they’re both well and truly into I.T. so you can imagine the computer talk that goes on there. Our oldest daughter Jessi is a social worker and recently started working at my own Foster Care agency. We talk or email or see each other often - and our themes usually revolve around foster kids and the myriad of issues that go with them. She’s a great support to me. Our second daughter, Emily is studying Photography at Uni, just about to start her third and final year. She’s become the family photographer, so I’ll post her pics occasionally (not the foster kids though, which is a shame, because they’re just so cute!)

If I had time to spare, my interests would be crafts (and I do manage a bit of simple knitting or sewing occasionally, but not the embroidery and smocking I used to indulge in) reading (belonging to a book group does mean I read at least one book a month) and scrapbooking (still working on my daughter’s 21st album, and she’ll be 24 soon!). But the home and kids and a range of fostercare committees and meetings keep me busy, and I love to share times with my husband and friends, watch the occasional movie, and spend some time each day on my computer…. so all the rest just fits around that. And now I’m going to try and include a regular blogging…. I guess I’ll see how I go.